It's that time of the year. TRY is winding down (sorry to remind you, faithful TRY readers), I'm on an airplane in 8 days from the writing of this post, and in 2 weeks I'll be up at the incomparable Camp Ramah in the Poconos. For anyone who's wondering, after my first year of my two-year trial period before thinking about aliyah, I plan to return to Israel next year for Shana Bet of Yeshivat Chayim (i.e. figuring out my life a little bit). As the song says, "Tel Aviv, Hineh Ani Ba," and I'm off to feel even more out of place next year in Tel Aviv than I occasionally do this year in Jerusalem.
This year has raised a lot of big questions for me, ones that call into question my Judaism and my Zionism. When I move out of Jerusalem, how will I feel about observance? Sometimes I feel like I go to shul and shabbas dinner on Friday nights because it's there and that's just what we do. Does that mean I'll be out on Friday nights next year in Tel Aviv, or will I keep Shabbas and be lonely, as was often the case in Jerusalem. I feel like a kosher kitchen is a done deal for next year, but Shabbat is more up in the air. And I sure as hell hope that I can get rid of this shomer negiya thing once and for all.
More importantly, I'm not sure how much longer I can remain both liberal and Zionist. This year has pretty much convinced me that the left has no solutions for Jews to live safely in the Jewish State and that the right has no solution (or interest) in the problems of Palestinians living like sub-humans. Sometimes I feel like by just living in Israel and I am benefitting from something I find morally reprehensible, but I sort of prefer being immoral to being dead. The real question is if I prefer my own happiness and comfort, which is so much higher in Israel than in the US, to true morality. For now, I'd rather be happy in Jerusalem while benefiting from Zionism than unhappy in Cambridge or Cherry Hill while feeling slightly better for myself. I'm also not sure what good it would do to make 6 million Jews homeless all of a sudden, and make Israeli Jews straight-up victims. I still think that we played the victim game for long enough, though I wish we didn't switch to victimizer so quickly.
So what's been the ground outcome of this whole year? It's really reinforced what I felt last year when I suddenly lost faith in God while totally frustrated with my thesis (as for now, I can't really tell if I belive in God or not). The more I think about the things that make me happy or even just keep me content, the less I'm able to stay happy or satisfied. I love Israel when I'm not thinking about all the problems caused by the conflict. I'm totally happy keeping Shabbat when I'm doing it, but I'm not totally sure I buy into it, and I feel like as soon as I get bored of it, I'll have no justification left to keep it. Even with TRY, I'm only happy with the program when I'm not thinking about/focusing on all the stupid things the group does wrong. And yes, I know that some of my readers are my hanichim on TRY. I still love you, I just wish you'd show up on time, keep quiet during tefillot, and stop bitching about the hard work that people do for you. But I guess when I don't think about how bad you guys are, I like you anyway. And the same can be said about Judaism and Israel. Way to go my new life!
L'shana haba'a b'Tel Aviv. Next year in Tel Aviv!
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3 comments:
So you're at a cross-roads and it seems confusing. You've got to make some weighty decisions and it seems scary. That's the whole fucking point. Don't listen to all your friend's corny ass birthday wishes. They're nice and all but at the end of the day you've just got to be comfortable with your dorky bad ass self no matter what - in crappy Jerusalem, crappy Cambridge, crappy crappy Cherry Hill and/or Tel Aviv as a supersticious observant Jew or a normal, regular person who happens to be Jewish and chose to live in Israel, possibly not because of Zionism but because it's the place where you feel most comfortable and at peace with yourself, for whatever reasons. Cause your friends will always tell you nice things about yourself when you bitch and complain online, that's just what they do. It's just how a life of shabbat-o-grams and happless ramah romance and unrequited USY crushes will warp a person.
I happened to like my birthday wish to you. It wasn't like the shabbat-o-grams I used to send, because I think I'm not trying to fingerbang you during chofesh (I said I THINK).
Don't think this out too much...you're overthinking and rationalizing won't solve anything. Your answer will come when you're calm and at peace. Your gut will tell you.
Unless, of course, your gut has shit for brains.
oh hackit poo, strangely I look forward to you spending some warm night with me in the coming weeks, batting away mosquitos and chasing away frogs while you explain these emotions you seem to have about so many different things. For the time being enjoy Israel in any way you can,cause I sincerely wish I was there right now. Life is confusing wherever you are, so just close your eyes, focus on whats important, and try not to trip. See you soon bro!
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